Can a Toxic Relationship Become Healthy?
Have you been told by a friend or family member that your relationship with your partner seems “toxic”? Or maybe you’re seeing red flags and know something isn’t right. Struggling with a toxic relationship is a complicated tangle of conflicting emotions. You may have swirling thoughts like:
"I keep wondering if we're just going through a rough patch. Maybe with enough love and patience, things will get better?”
"Some days, I feel so close to them, like everything is perfect. But then the hurtful words return. It's this constant rollercoaster.”
“I just want things to go back to how they used to be. How can I fix this?”
"Am I overreacting? Maybe these are just normal relationship problems. But why do I feel so drained and unhappy?”
"I love them so much, letting go feels impossible. But staying is so hard, too. It's a constant battle between my heart and my mind.”
Partners rarely start out toxic.
The “honeymoon” stage that feels like sunshine and rainbows is real. But what starts as seemingly healthy slowly devolves. Maybe not dramatic red flags at first, but a gradual creep in of toxic behaviors; a criticism here, a disrespectful comment there.
Over time, those harsh words that could be dismissed as “they’re just stressed” or “it was a misunderstanding” become more frequent and more hurtful. These behaviors start chipping away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells” or that everything is your fault and you’re trying to do all you can to make the relationship work.
A partner that was once respectful, supportive, and trusting is now behaving in ways that were unthinkable at the beginning of the relationship. And maybe you are acting in ways you would have never imagined. You are left wondering, “Can things get back to how they used to be?”
What makes a relationship toxic?
Using the word ‘toxic’ so commonly to describe people and relationships is a more recent vocabulary phenomenon.
The use of “toxic” has become so popular that it was Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year in 2018. Toxic is defined as very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.
As conflict in relationships is inevitable, and by its very definition, toxic behaviors are “insidious,” meaning they move in gradually and subtly, it can be tough to recognize what makes a partner toxic. Here are some key characteristics of healthy vs. toxic vs. abusive relationships:
The most problematic indicator of a toxic partner is abuse. Relationship abuse (also known as domestic violence, dating abuse, or intimate partner violence) is defined as a pattern of behaviors used to maintain power and control over a partner. A person who uses threats, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial control, physical abuse, or any other means to intimidate, manipulate, coerce, control, or harm their partner is abusive.
It’s a bit confusing as the terms ‘toxic’ and ‘abusive’ are often used interchangeably, and they certainly overlap. Sometimes, people say “toxic” when they actually mean “abusive” because it can feel like a less stigmatizing term, sometimes easier to identify with. At myPlan, we prefer to say toxic or abusive “partner,” not “relationship,” as it puts the responsibility on the person causing the harm.
For both, key words in the official definitions are PERVASIVE and PATTERN. We ALL have acted in toxic ways in a relationship. Have we all criticized a partner? Absolutely. Are we all proud of everything we’ve ever said during an argument? Nope. Are there relationships where there have been betrayals of trust, jealousy, and purposefully hurt feelings? Yes. But an ongoing pattern and repetition of these behaviors, and ultimately the ongoing impact on your happiness, health, and well-being, is what sets periodic toxic actions apart from the repeating, pervasive pattern of a toxic or abusive partner.
Why do relationships become toxic?
The dynamic between partners in every relationship is shaped by a range of individual and situational factors and can become toxic for various reasons. One or both partners could be bringing unresolved personal issues, a lack of boundaries, an inability to commit to growth and change, or unrealistic expectations, to name a few.
The relationship could have communication breakdowns that lead to a buildup of resentment, stress, or external pressure that strain the relationship, or the partners are fundamentally incompatible with differences in values, goals, and interests that can become more pronounced over time. Many people have never been in or seen a healthy relationship and don’t know how they should be. Oh, what a different world this would be if everyone learned about healthy relationships as young kids in school! No matter the reasons, everyone deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel valued, supported, respected, and good about themselves.
It's important to note that if a toxic relationship involves one person using tactics to have power and control over their partner or is abusive in any way (emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, etc.), the potential reasons given above for it becoming toxic are thrown out the window. In that case, the reasons are solely because the toxic/abusive person has a deeply held need to maintain power and control over their partner, and it is not the “dynamic between 2 people”; it’s the choices and actions of one person. If your partner is controlling or abusive, there is nothing that justifies this behavior, and it’s never your fault.
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
Is it possible to fix a toxic relationship? The short answer is that it depends. There are lots of reasons why someone would want to try and fix a toxic relationship, including:
Love: Strong emotional bonds, shared memories, and commitment to the relationship can make it hard to let go.
Children: Wanting to maintain a family unit for the sake of children.
Investment in the Relationship: The concept of sunk cost fallacy applies here – the more time, effort, and resources (emotional and otherwise) invested in a relationship, the harder it is to walk away.
Financial Dependence: Economic factors can play a significant role, especially if one partner is financially dependent on the other.
Social and Cultural Pressure: Societal norms, cultural beliefs, and the fear of social stigma regarding divorce or separation.
Guilt and Responsibility: Feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness or well-being or feeling guilty about the idea of leaving.
Fear of Being Alone: The fear of loneliness, the belief that you won’t find love again, or the idea of starting over is daunting.
Some toxic relationships can become healthy, but it requires significant effort, commitment, and often professional help. Here are some of the main commitments needed by BOTH partners to move forward:
Acknowledgment: Both partners need to recognize that the relationship is toxic and acknowledge their roles in perpetuating the toxicity.
Open communication: Effective communication is essential. Both partners must be willing to discuss their feelings, concerns, and grievances openly and honestly. This includes listening actively and empathetically to each other's perspectives.
Seeking professional help: In many cases, the guidance of a therapist or counselor is needed. A trained professional can help both individuals develop healthier communication patterns and work through unresolved issues.
Establishing and respecting personal boundaries: Partners should discuss and agree on boundaries that make them feel safe and respected.
Self-improvement: Each person should work on their personal growth and self-awareness. This may involve addressing past traumas, improving emotional regulation, and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Forgiveness: The ability to move past grievances, but this does not mean excusing unacceptable behavior.
Patience and time: Transforming a toxic relationship takes time and patience. It's important to be realistic about the pace of progress and not expect overnight changes. It's not enough to make temporary changes; both partners must commit to ongoing growth and improvement.
If a partner is unwilling to commit to any of these, the toxic dynamics will not change. And could get worse. Research shows that many non-toxic red flags and behaviors are indicators that a partner could later become abusive.
IMPORTANT: All of this is out the window if your partner is abusive. For an abusive relationship to change, it’s the sole responsibility of the abusive person. Couples counseling is not recommended when abuse is present, and individual therapy is not enough. Abusive people have a deeply held belief about their entitlement to power and control over their partners.
There are intervention programs for abusive people, but the research on treatment effectiveness is mixed at best. If one partner is abusive, the health and safety of the abused person is the most important focus. This is why myPlan collaborated with domestic violence survivors to develop our research-backed safety planning app.
Conclusion
Acknowledging that a relationship is toxic and evaluating if it’s possible or worth the effort to try and remedy takes courage. Acknowledging painful truths, seeking support, and making difficult decisions can be scary. Examining the history and nature of toxicity is important to determine next steps. Are the toxic behaviors atypical or a repetitive pattern? Is there a power dynamic where one person uses tactics to control their partner? Are both partners willing to talk about the issues and acknowledge and address their own actions, or is it just one partner doing the compromising? If someone’s toxic behaviors are a repeating pattern, are used to have power and control over their partner, and don’t take accountability for their actions, approach the possibility of change with caution. They are likely abusive.
Past abusive behavior of any kind is a significant indicator of future behavior. Abuse is NEVER the fault of the victim, it’s not in the victim’s control to change, and the safety and well-being of the person being abused should be the primary concern. Everyone deserves to feel safe, valued, and respected in their relationships.
It's not always clear how to make decisions about a potentially toxic or abusive relationship. The myPlan app is a resource that anyone can use to evaluate if a relationship is toxic or abusive and get strategies to stay healthy and safe. myPlan is free, research-tested, and designed by experts and people who have experienced abuse from a partner. For more info, visit myPlanApp.org.
